malken19

It is Saturday February 14, yeah it is Valentines Day. Right now I am sitting here on my couch trying to decide if I want to go out for a bit to Chumley’s or the Black Sparrow or just sit at home by myself. The latter definitely does not feel very fun, but I don’t know. It is just one of those nights that seems depressing to sit at home alone even though I know it should not bother me. It is something that is easier said then done. So I don’t know, if I do go out, I am going to want to do it in the next hour.

Switching to something more important and something I am proud of, I successfully surprised Adam with his birthday gift. His birthday is March 2, but I figured that sending it earlier would add to the surprise. I sent him a copy of the book Cryptonomicon and the DVD’s Diary of the Dead, Titanic, and the Producers. All four things are something that I like a great deal, and hopefully that he will like. It really is the little things in life that are good. I just wish I was in Portland on his birthday to buy him a drink. Hopefully yesterday was a good day for him and I have no doubt his birthday will be great.

Today I also have started a new project. I am starting to self teach myself setting up my own website. I registered a domain and I am beginning to learn about wordpress. It was something I have been wanting to do for awhile and I do like learning new things. So we will see how this goes. The geeky part of myself is actually pretty excited at doing this…yeah I know I am lame:)

Last night was BSG, and I will not mention any spoilers, but yeah it was frakking awesome. I did not think it would be as good as it was. We are definitely on the last leg of the story. You could til from the very beginning that we are now in the end game of the series. Of course that is not surprising since there is only five more shows left. I am looking forward to next Friday’s episode. The one thing I will mention about last night, it really answered a lot of questions and now makes for fun to try to figure it all out. Damn, it is a hell of a good series!

Well the week is half over and boy do I already feel tired. Once again I had a night that I did not sleep really all that well. It was not the problem of falling asleep, I mean no more then usual, but it was just the dreams I had. They were not nightmares, but they were very
discomforting. That though is par for the course I guess. I suspect that it is just the general malaise I have for what is going on in my life right now.

At work today I got a message from someone I had not talk too since high school. I have not gotten a chance to respond but she asked me if I was still the genius I was in high school. The truth is that this actually bothered me for her to ask that. It is funny how the world is so open when you were in High School and I am not exaggerating that I was
intelligence wise probably in the top one or two percent of my class. It is not that I am not intelligent now, I am still very intelligent, I just have squandered it and not gotten a lot with it.

I think that it bothers me even more because it is something I have been thinking about the last couple of months in the back of my head. The problem partially is that I have always loved to learn, but focus on one thing has always been hard on me. All through high school I pondered what to do. The fields I looked at were pretty diverse. I thought about Oceanography, Marine Biology, Nuclear Engineering, Journalism, Officer in the Navy (thank god that never happened!), History Teacher, Astronomer, Geneticsists, Lawyer, and there were a lot of others...notice a large fascination with sciences is. Through high school I basically took all the history, sciences, and maths I could
(the exception being Calculus, there was not enough time for it). Finally in desperations of making a choice I chose history teacher...which was a horrible choice. It was the safe choice, and while I had a love for history, teaching kids we not something I had a love
for and I felt very self conscience of my speech impediment.

Even now I do want to finish my college with at least a degree in history and political science but of course the finances does not just work. There is a part of it that I just want to finish what I started and then there is another that having a bachelor degree does open up doors for other jobs. I think though it is mostly for me though. It is that I don't like to not complete things. It is why I tried Russian twice, and still even now I want to learn the damn language! I keep saying I will try to self study on my own, but there always seems to be other things to do or focus on.

To show my impedious to just complete tasks, I go in case point of something I started on the laptop. A couple of weeks ago I decided that it would be neat to let my AIM show what I was listening to in the status line. I knew other people did it and it was seemingly easy. Well I downloaded the software and it did not work. I tried to redownload it and still it did not work. Now the truth of the matter is that I really did not care about it all that much, and being that it was only something I randomly thought would be cool, most people would have dropped it. Still I kept going back to it. I downloaded different players and started to do research. Then finally after working on it for at least a couple hours of my time over the course of a few nights, I managed to get it working. It took several files from different parts of the internet, a new media player, and a lot of instructions. Now I just feel obligated to use it even though I really could care less now. It was just the fact that it became a challenge.

Now wrap around back to my state in life, at work I don't feel that challenge anymore. It is more monotonous and while that is part of a job, I just don't feel the satisfaction of a challenge. There is nothing to really learn, or what there is, is relatively insignificant. I still do the job efficiently but the more unchallenged I am, the more worn out I get by the end of the day.

Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed or anything, just bored. Add on top of work, I do not even get the chance to have that much intellectually interesting conversations as of late. I sort of miss the sharing of ideas that interest me. Most people I am around right now just don't have those same interests or if they do they are so opposite to my beliefs that conversation really does not work out well at all. It just drives me nuts sometimes. I am used to just talking more.

Well things are ultimately good. I am proud that I have another thing planned that will be great. I look forward to it. So I have something to look forward too:)

It is Monday and the first day of the work week has come and gone. Right now it is a little after eight and I figured that I would sit down and write out an entry to get the blood pumping into some writing. If nothing else this journal is good for that.

Yesterday as I said I spent much of the afternoon watching movies. The first one I watch was Intolerable Cruelty. It was another Coen Brothers movie and I believe it was the last one that I had not seen. I had found it at Circuit City for five bucks in December, but had not watched it yet. I can sometimes be good at that since I prefer to watch movies with others. It is sort of a shared experience and you then have someone to talk to about the movie afterwards. I like that, but if I waited for that, then I would be bound to miss out on a lot of movies.

Intolerable Cruelty was excellent. The Coen brothers continue to amaze me. Everything they tend to do is excellent, with the only real exception being Ladykillers. I was very disappointed in that movie, but I think it might be just because I had higher expectations. Anyway, it came out to be a good movie. I would rate it four stars out of five. There are a couple lines that I am still laughing at but I will not say what they are.

The second movie I watched was one that I also picked up in December. It was William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, the Leonardo DeCaprio version. I was unsure how I would like it, but it came highly recommended. I actually really, really liked it. Part of it is that I had forgotten how much I do like Shakespeare. I was one of those people in high school that had no issues understanding his plays and enjoyed reading them, although watching them with a troupe of good actors is even better because his lines were meant to be said with emotion. This version of Romeo & Juliet was placed in modern times, but stayed true to the play. While the movie was a downer…I mean what do you expect from the tale of Romeo & Juliet, but it was enjoyable to watch. Anyway definitely a strong four and a half stars out of five stars.

The final movie that I watched yesterday was Go. This was made by the same people that made Swingers. I mention this because many have seen that movie, although surprisingly I have yet to watch it. I think I have it though, so I need to watch it. I liked Go also. It was like three stories that wrap together and whenever a director can pull that off, it is a style that I like. Things come out not as you would expect it and there are some twists and turns that are great. My favorite being in the third arc in the movie. I would say out of the three movies I watched yesterday that it was worst one, but still it is good movie. It is a solid three and a half stars out of five.

At work today one of my co-workers suggest a fucked up movie that I need to watch. It is Repo! The Genetic Opera. The main character is played by the same actor the played Giles in Buffy and from the trailor I have to say that I am interested in it. For some info on that go to:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0963194/

Well today I am in a introspective and rather melancholy mood. Nothing really too bad. I have no doubt that by evening I will be feeling good. The whole ordeal at the hospital has made me think on some things. So to clear my head I place some thoughts down.  

Questions of Life

If I died today what would I have accomplished?

Would I have led a good life?

Would I have been the best person I could be?

Would I have made a difference?

Would I have achieved success?

How would I be remembered?

I ponder these questions.

They are the questions of what life is.

They are the essence to the point of life.

They are the thoughts that drive me.

They are more then words, they are meaning.

These are questions I ask every day.

In my life what have I accomplished?

As far as career, I am nowhere.

As far as education, I am incomplete.

As far as money, I am eternally short.

As far as love, more desolate then the Sahara.

So have I truly accomplished anything worthy?

Is my life up to this point been a good one?

As far as the world, I have traveled a little.

As far as happiness, I have lived on a roller coaster.

As far as adventure, I am hardly a short story.

As far as friends, I am a wealthy man.

So could I lead a better one?

Am I the best person that I could be?

As far as a hard worker, I give it my all.

As far as a friend, I do my best.

As far as a citizen, I have tried to help those in need.

As far as mistakes, I am always willing to correct myself.

So have I been the best person I could be?

In my life have I ever made a real difference?

As far as DeMolay, I erased that when I came out.

As far as work, I do nothing that another could not do.

As far as friends, I miss more then I hit.

As far as the world, I am but a drop of water in the ocean.

So have I ever made a real difference?

In my life have I achieved any true success?

As far as work, I do as well as my position allows.

As far as friends, I have succeeded in finding the best..

As far as the standard, I am a complete failure.

As far as love, I am a shutout.

So have I managed to succeed?

Finally if this was the last day, how would I be remembered?

Would my memory remain strong, or fade quickly?

Would I have made an impact, or would nothing have changed?

Would anyone really lament at my loss, or would I be a mere passing thought?

Would there be stories talked about me, or would nothing be noteworthy?

Would I be remember in a good or bad light?

In these thoughts and questions I have no answers.

Every day and every night these musings flow through me.

I seek answers to questions that I may never know.

Perhaps in the seeking the answers life has a real point.

In these questions lie the ideas of doing better and achieving life.

The only real question is, is the time always there?

**************SPOILERS********************

You have been forewarned.

What I am about to talk about is last night Battlestar Galactica episode.

If you have not seen it and don’t want it ruined, I would not read this.

It will ruin it for you.

It is like cheating and reading the last page of a book first.

Anyway, I wanted to warn you.

You can’t say I did not try.

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Ok last night was the first of the last ten episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Last nights episode was a long waited episode that would reveal the fifth cyclone. I did not expect it to be a straight forward episode, but I did not expect it to be this fucked up. I mean that in a good addicting way because while it answered one question, it added many, many more. It is going to make it a wild ride to the end.

What we knew before the episode started was that they had found Earth and apparently it had been destroyed by a nuclear holocaust too. Starbucks new viper lead them to a colonial signal that was somewhere on Earth.

What we found out last night was that:

A)    Earth had been destroyed in a nuclear holocaust two thousand years earlier.

B)     They found Starbuck’s original viper and it had crashed on Earth. It was what was sending out the colonial signal. There was an apparent body that was her dead in the cockpit. It had her tags and her hair.

C)    Apparently the five cylons lived on Earth when the holocaust happened.

D)    All the bodies found on Earth were cylon in origin.

E)     Ellen Tigh (as I predicted thank you) was the fifth cylon

F)     The President is officially broken.

Now we have the confusion on what is going on. It is pretty much as confusing as Lost is right now. Is this actually reality? Is there time differences? What the hell?

Honestly I am not sure, but currently this is the theory I have come up with. One of the common things mentioned is that what happened before will happen again. Basically they are in a repeating loop. I have always figured that especially with the dynamic of polytheistic and monotheistic society. I have always said that they were in transitions of religion. It was obvious that Baltar was bringing the monotheistic cylon religion to the humans. I figured that it merged the humans and cylons together.

Now that might not be that far off, but over the last twenty-four hours I have come to think of it more different. Adam made a comment that all the humans are cyclones. I don’t agree with that. I think that happened was the Kobal was a cylon homeworld. On it they created humans who turned on their masters. One creates the other. The cylons that went to Earth were the survivors as the Galactica was too humans.

The centurians that were found on Earth were not created by cylons but were the original models of the humans perhaps. Eventually they shifted to humans. They keep eventually always merging back to the human form. So in a sense they are all synthetic in a way, albeit two different types. That would also be true in the fact that in any of the past images we saw that there was not any centurians moving around.

Thus there is a third power, basically actual humans. They can recreate Starbuck. They rebuilt of the viper. What is there part in all of this? I don’t know. Feels almost like a simulation, but that would be a cheesy way to end it. Starbuck is some sign of harbinger of death as they call it. Perhaps she is created in the system to be the official change.

Of course this does not really answer the questions about the five and such. Perhap there are past lives. They were able to remember things from the holocaust and Ellen seemed to understand what has happened will happen again in the memory that Tigh had. I don’t know and they tend to be a problem with my whole theory, unless there is a third power manipulating the whole thing.  

I will be curious how this will fall out with Father Caval. He was fucking with Tigh the whole time on New Caprica and he was blackmailing Ellen to give him sex and info. This will definitely fuck with his world. Of course the old cylons are sort of shifting to pure human now. They cannot resurrect now thanks to the attack on the hub and they are lobotomizing the machine cyclons.

Ok, that is enough for now. I just wanted to throw out these ideas while they were flowing into the mind. Feel free to challenge me and add more theories. I am very excited at all of this.